Dear Mrs. Eliza - A Letter to an Idiot

Peter Regan
Evanston, IL
60203

Mrs Eliza
Unkown
Unkown

July 12th, 2011

Dear Mrs Eliza,

I am  Gmail user, and I recently came across problems with spam from you, regarding a transfer of two million USD ($2,000,000) to my bank account.

As you can see, this letter is written in the block letter format- a formal layout used by business people and sane people to communicate to one another. This means, of course, you have obviously never seen it before. The day I am writing this, July 12th, 2011, I received a total of four (4) emails from you regarding the transfer of the funds stated above. You claimed that I had won a contest held in Canada that supports the 2012 Olympic Games. I wish to inform you that the 2012 Olympic Games will be held in London, England, not anywhere in Canada. Now, I understand that your home nation may be very excited about any Olympic games, regardless of host city. Even if that is so, the "sponsors" of your contest are Gmail and ATT Network offices in Johannesburg, South Africa, and the British American Tobacco Companies of South Africa. Now, first of all, South Africa is not in the colonial empire of England, let alone its general vicinity. Second of all, how dare you allow your scam lottery to be sponsored by a tobacco company, while also claiming to be related to the Olympic Games. Tobacco is a dangerous drug that is illegal to use if you are under 18 years of age and it is highly addictive and hazardous.

I hope you have had time to read this critically important letter and decide to enact change to become a more respectable family scamming company who will at least be credited with being smart enough to make their hooking lines believable.

Sincerely,

Peter Regan


P.S- I hope you burn in hell for relating your tobacco company sponsors to the Olympic Games, a family friendly event.

Rick Astley = Alicia Jurman?

This is one interesting thing I noticed today. In my Reading/ Language Arts class, we're reading memoirs about survivors of the Holocaust. I am reading one by Alicia Jurman, a Jewish woman from Poland. She was about 12 when Poland was invaded, and the book is basically her telling the story of how her 4 brothers, her father, and a baby are killed by the Germans.

Anyway, I'm sure that by now you have been Rick Rolled. If you haven't, I envy you, you lucky non-tech savy person. Rick Rolling is the "art" of posting a link that appears to go to something moderately interesting, but instead pops up a window that moves around and is hard to close, that is a video of Rick Astley's single "Never Gonna Give You Up". Here is a link to a video of me hating on it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0





Just kidding, Rick Roll'd. See the poofy hair thing he has?

Well, that's just pure ugly, right? 

Now here's a picture of Alicia Jurman:

Ye Gods! We have a match!























Now, I don't have a problem with Alicia's haircut. She's a girl, and she escaped from the Nazis at least twice. I haven't finished the book yet, so it could be more than that. I mean, beneath that Polish Jew cover lies one badass. I'm not gonna tell her how to cut her hair. But Rick, let me tell you why that haircut makes you a bad person.

     1. You have a poof on your head, good sir. It looks like a beaver crawled on your head and died from the smell of cheap cologne mixed with diet coke.

     2. Your hair looks like a girl's hair. Don't deny it. WE HAVE PICTURE PROOF.

     So, in conclusion,

     Rick Roll, after wasting my time, wearing a dead beaver roadkill shag' rag, and just being downright an insult to valued homosexuals everywhere...

YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN, YOU LYING EGGHOSE

Blogger Questions are AWESOME

So I was messing around with the options for my Blogger profile, and I see this box that says
"Random Question"
So I click to get one, and this amazing question pops up:

For your birthday, your aunt gave you a maple syrup dispenser shaped like a rooster. Please write her a thank-you note:

Now, if you're a boring, "pedestrian" (eat your heart out, Mrs. Williams) person, this question seems boring. But alas, it's awesome.

Here's my answer: 

Dear Aunt I-haven't-seen-you-in-years-and-I-think-this-epic-gift-is-just-your-way-of-trying-to-make-me-forgive-you,
Thanks for the ga-rooovvvy syrup dispenser. I use it for all the basics, pancakes, waffles, BELGIAN waffles, whatnot. But it's even better cause it's in the shape of a rooster. I get up at 5 in the morning, go on the roof with it, and give the loudest, best damn rooster COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO known to man. Oh, and I do it stark naked with a red pillow case on my head. To, you know, blend in.

But the moral of this story is this:

Only Aunt Jemima's, of course.

Dr Kirk's Thoughts: Slang Usage

My first comic.... blog....post...thing. Right now the only option I have in getting comics up is by scanning, so there will be some weird lines and such.